I guess I am ready now. I am not sure how it happens but I have found that inspiration is lost when you so desperately want it. I was living in Prague for over a month and I scowered the town for a chance to let loose. I was hungry to feel passionate about something or involved in whatever I could, but I went home each night feeling all the less moved to do anything with the town other than explore mindlessly and aimlessly. I found pleasure in silly things. Watching people navigate through an old town with a repressed history as they refused to look up and face the day. Claiming to not speak English when my Czech wasn't perfect. I also baked a lot of cheesecakes...
About the ex-pats. They all have that punch in the gut story. "Ha ha ha" chuckles one poised over his beer "I was supposed to be in Prague for three weeks." And some odd years later, maybe five, typically three, often times surprisingly longer, they are still here. Seemingly unhappy but reassuringly not. I am not one to speak to loudly, I have well overstayed my initial intentions. Somehow I feel kept. It is as though there is something magical that has the potential of showing up here and although it never really pulls through it draws you in enough to wait.
The past week has been a blur. Karel and I met and made arrangements for me to start working in his other company as opposed to in the restaurant. One reason being the restaurant has been delayed and is not ready to be opened, another being that Zuzana has confirmed that she does not like having me around (apparently not giving her husband nor I the benefit of the doubt), and I am sure there are a few more but of less weight. The downsides are that I am not in a position financially to deny any new source of income and that I will miss the land that I became so close to as well as the people I was excited to see again. The upsides are the pay is exceptional, it comes with a visa of one year in the EU, and I will get to experience working for Europe's leading manufacturer in industrial steel and metals. My work is set in a large cluster of foundries filled with a romantic black cloud that settles among men of such chiseled composure diminished by the sharpness of matter more rigid than their own. As I walked through the other day I felt a deep pulse in my veins that made me feel as though I didn't belong for the first time. As these men maneuvered with little grace but no hesitation I was breathing in every scrap of metal, every spark of orange against the warm grey mass behind it. I was surprisingly aware of what was going on around me and walked as though I had something to prove. Not in how I held myself but in how I returned the stares steadily as though I was saying "You don't think I belong here with my black, linen, capris and matching assortment of shirts layered on one another in a simple but composed way. You don't think I should know this place but I will come to know it and you will come to know me in it." The communist era setting made me feel like I was in some sort of prison camp. The offices are cold to look at within their cinder block walls and I know I will feel the weight of it by the end. I am excited for the challenge and although I am confident that I will come out on top I am not afraid to be broken.
About the ex-pats. They all have that punch in the gut story. "Ha ha ha" chuckles one poised over his beer "I was supposed to be in Prague for three weeks." And some odd years later, maybe five, typically three, often times surprisingly longer, they are still here. Seemingly unhappy but reassuringly not. I am not one to speak to loudly, I have well overstayed my initial intentions. Somehow I feel kept. It is as though there is something magical that has the potential of showing up here and although it never really pulls through it draws you in enough to wait.
The past week has been a blur. Karel and I met and made arrangements for me to start working in his other company as opposed to in the restaurant. One reason being the restaurant has been delayed and is not ready to be opened, another being that Zuzana has confirmed that she does not like having me around (apparently not giving her husband nor I the benefit of the doubt), and I am sure there are a few more but of less weight. The downsides are that I am not in a position financially to deny any new source of income and that I will miss the land that I became so close to as well as the people I was excited to see again. The upsides are the pay is exceptional, it comes with a visa of one year in the EU, and I will get to experience working for Europe's leading manufacturer in industrial steel and metals. My work is set in a large cluster of foundries filled with a romantic black cloud that settles among men of such chiseled composure diminished by the sharpness of matter more rigid than their own. As I walked through the other day I felt a deep pulse in my veins that made me feel as though I didn't belong for the first time. As these men maneuvered with little grace but no hesitation I was breathing in every scrap of metal, every spark of orange against the warm grey mass behind it. I was surprisingly aware of what was going on around me and walked as though I had something to prove. Not in how I held myself but in how I returned the stares steadily as though I was saying "You don't think I belong here with my black, linen, capris and matching assortment of shirts layered on one another in a simple but composed way. You don't think I should know this place but I will come to know it and you will come to know me in it." The communist era setting made me feel like I was in some sort of prison camp. The offices are cold to look at within their cinder block walls and I know I will feel the weight of it by the end. I am excited for the challenge and although I am confident that I will come out on top I am not afraid to be broken.
. . . . . .
I packed up everything at Sarah and Ryan's and was upset by the fact that I had acquired enough belongs to pull me through the winter to come that I had to borrow a bag to relocate. I was the perfect roommate, above and beyond in every way imaginable. I always tried to tip-toe over normal trudging, any cleaning up after myself or them I jumped at the chance to do, I held back all instincts to cook like a mad woman and show off my true skills in a kitchen because of their own established love in the kitchen, and yet I know when the door shut behind me after we said our goodbyes that glances of relief were exchanged between them. Couples are happy to have the kitchen to themselves. Or any room for that matter if you know what I mean. All in all I was so happy to have lived in the city with people that truly lived in it. While at times I felt like I wish I didn't always "tag along" in fear of intruding on their dates, even if I had scavenged the events of Prague on my own I am sure we still would have ended up at many of the same places. It was nice to have been connected to people that were connected. It was also nice to come home to people that had a clue about the world and some of my own struggles to make it through it.
Petr picked me up at the train station Friday afternoon and although we hadn't spoken much at all since he came for a weekend in Prague, he seemed to be happy to have me back. I unfortunately was indifferent, but obviously didn't show it. As we got moving in his little sea-foam beater, as the thud-thud music started to play and the landscape surrendered to our speed, I was happy to be back. The weekend was filled with warm familiarity back to a family running around in their underwear, being policed by the matriarch of the house, and being forced to eat meals by the constancy of a pushy womans instinct.
I find myself on this cold morning back at Clubwash in Brno. I took the train last night and made my way back to its' doorstep for a long night of poker. It was refreshing to be meeting people again, making witty conversations, laughing, competing, etc. In a tournament of twelve I placed fourth and made 200Kc. Now that I am going to be living much closer and dying for entertainment I am sure I will be coming more often to my favorite bar/launderette in the CZ. In a few hours I take the train to Olomouc and move into my cell until winter.
Petr picked me up at the train station Friday afternoon and although we hadn't spoken much at all since he came for a weekend in Prague, he seemed to be happy to have me back. I unfortunately was indifferent, but obviously didn't show it. As we got moving in his little sea-foam beater, as the thud-thud music started to play and the landscape surrendered to our speed, I was happy to be back. The weekend was filled with warm familiarity back to a family running around in their underwear, being policed by the matriarch of the house, and being forced to eat meals by the constancy of a pushy womans instinct.
I find myself on this cold morning back at Clubwash in Brno. I took the train last night and made my way back to its' doorstep for a long night of poker. It was refreshing to be meeting people again, making witty conversations, laughing, competing, etc. In a tournament of twelve I placed fourth and made 200Kc. Now that I am going to be living much closer and dying for entertainment I am sure I will be coming more often to my favorite bar/launderette in the CZ. In a few hours I take the train to Olomouc and move into my cell until winter.
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