back to stealing spoons and longing for san francisco

Starting tomorrow I am free for one month to do what I please and then I start work at the restaurant on the first of October.  I plan on spending my days between Prague and Brno getting some intensive Czech tutoring and taking a few little trips in the middle somewhere, one being to Budapest to give an old friend a big hug.  I am starting off my new sense of freedom with a detox and some art.  I am going to try to work on some pieces and feel more accomplished in my art.  Speaking of..... I applied to an art school holy shit!  I mean I feel like many people are saying to me that it is about damn time but the school will be there forever so whether or not I actually go next year is entirely up to the world I think.  I am just leaving room for the idea that after a year of traveling I may want to take some time to get my fingers inked up etc.  For all of you on the same boat as my mother.... don't get too excited.  I am still a bomb waiting to explode and the chances of my following through with school as opposed to following the next best thing that comes along are pretty slim.

Today the ladies and I listened to woman rock and they pumped out 28.5 liters.  That means that I am winning the race between Pepa and boy am I excited!  Seeing as I will be here until the end of December I think that I am going to follow through with my original thought to end up in Thailand around that time.  There are a few deep water soloing companies there that I am going to try to finagle my way into so that I can get some good climbing in my life.  It is all so disastrous and scattered but isn't that how it was meant to be?  Unknown?

I am reaching a place where it would nice to see people that I loved for an evening or two.  Maybe go to coffee?  Or a date?  A real one with fights over who has to pay for dinner and laughs.  Then again, Meredith Gray didn't date, she just got laid and she has ended up with Mc Dreamy so far.... Then again, I don't have a Mc Dreamy and I am not Meredith Gray.  

Also, I want to be an architect but only in theory.  In actuality I want to build the house that I designed.  I also want to plant vegetables.  I also want an herb garden.  I also want my life to open and close nice and tidy like into the belly of beautiful fairy tale bound book.  But alas it just will not be so.

Peacing out for a month......

on the side

keep eyes on her

she could see his sweat follow the trails of the pads of her fingertips

and followed it back to the night that she dug deep into his back

as he dug deep into her

she wonders if he found what he was looking for

if you find what you are looking for

do you then start looking for more?

and the clocks are ticking but she can't hear them

and when she sees them

ahem hem hemmm

cough, sneeze, cover your ears

why give into them and fall on your knees

when you can pass each day from one breath to the next

if you have nothing to loose

you have everything to get

and even more to give

and oh so much to take.

she admires her bruised thighs and wonders how they came to be

could that have been the night

that was never within her reality?

she aimlessly passes passengers passing by on the train

and wonders which one of them sees her for what she is

she smiles at everything and cries at nothing

she does things because she can and their are no bounds

her world is circular and she can circumnavigate

keep eyes on her and she will keep eyes on you

she doesn't allow herself to exist because what will that do?

It will force her to believe that there is a me 

and there is a you

and why should we be subject to such silly

rules of engagement?

a will of sorts is all she really has

because at the end of the day of the day she is no more

she doesn't take things with her and to let them rot would be a bore

and to let them go to the wrong places would be treacherous

how will people know her if they don't receive what they were meant to learn?

the creation in her imagination is all she cares to keep

and the only thing she can hope for is to categorize it properly

maybe in boxes of various sizes

stacked high in many rooms

all she wants is to know herself and how can she

if she doesn't know where to put all of the stuff she knows?

teepees and umbrella stamps and blue glass earings

I have come to recognize that life picks you up when you are down and throws you to the ground when you think you have reached the summit.  This sentence leads to a fork in this post.  Left tine: the term life.  I am referring to life as one would refer to whichever God she prefers to reference.  Life is the controlling force of my existence.  Right tine: the idea of reaching a summit on ones journey.  It reminds me of a time when I went on a backpacking trip with a collaboration of modge-podge friends.  Through out the journey we drew upon our hardships, our physical shortcomings, our mental incapacities to reach an actual summit etc. and defined them under the terms of life processes.  You walk and walk and walk and sweat and become so embedded in the belly of the mountains that you have lost touch with the idea that you are actually getting somewhere as well as the ability to see or remember where you came from.  When you finally manage to painstakingly make it to the top of whichever summit you have chosen to claim you have the ability to see not only where you have been but where you are going quite clearly.  The only catch is that you are no longer able to grow.  Nothing grows at such high altitude.  It remains static in existence and until it manages to muster up the courage to go through it all again and climb down the peak it will remain so forever until death.

The middle tine: the actual point of this post.  I have managed to force myself to surrender to the world.  I have managed to force myself to belittle love and what I thought it was and could be in order to love more and more intensely but with less attachment.  I have managed to travel alone and actually relish in the idea that I may well want to do it forever.  I have managed to be unsettled always but also to leave impressions.  I have managed to allow myself to be cruel for the sake of survival and not for the sake of the game.  I have managed to take my own existence and come to know it more and I have managed to enjoy the idea of wandering as such.  I am my own Howard Roark.  I am my own Harry Haller.  I am my own Dinah. I am my own Jack Kerouac.  I am my own version of all those that I have admired beyond ink pressed into paper.  I can only hope that my aspirations to live life to the fullest will be more than just aspirations.

Karel has asked me to stay in Habří through winter.  They will be opening up a restaurant in a month or so and he would like me to be the waitress.  I am not only flattered that he thinks my Czech is substantial enough but touched that he would like me to stay in the family.  He has offered me the guest house with my own kitchen and bathroom with a little more privacy and I am pretty sure I could get a small car out of the deal for convenience.  The struggle begins here.  I think I was raised, not necessarily within my home but within my culture, that there is a timeline to abide by.  Of course one can skip some steps, take a ladder here and there, but generally the timeline leads up to the defining moment of someone's existence;  who they are, what they do, who they love, where they have been, how successful they are...... It is as though the timeline shows that you have taken the appropriate steps in life for people to know that you are an admirable human being.  You finished high school and carried on to get a degree.  Maybe you didn't go to college but you have proven yourself educated in some way that gains approval.  At some point you pick a place that you love more than most others and you know you did because you "backpacked" around Europe for a month or so and saw it all some where in between.  You live here and maybe start a family or at least connect yourself with some community etc.  All of these things I could see myself truly wanting.  I want the picket fence and the big dog and the little baby on my hip and the nice garden and the sweet kisses from the perfect man.  I want to be doing what I love and contributing to a community and I want to be able to look back on all of the success and achievements of my life.  I could probably do that here....

I have an incredible living situation which could only get better and more mine if I let a career somehow shape itself into something.  I have incredible people around me and I am set in the most beautiful landscape.  I could stay and  I could fall more and more in love with where I am and what I am doing and who I am becoming but that then puts pressure on my journey.  I have to resist the idea that there is a timeline.  I can stay here for three more months, maybe even a year.....I can stay for a while and then leave and return.  There are many options out there but the bottom line is my gut and my mind both agree that I want to see more of the world and I have not yet covered that much ground.  At some point in the next week I will have to decide if staying here longer will interfere with that one thing I know to be true or if it will be good for everyone for me to hang out for the winter and leave every month on small trips.  

Teepees: Yesterday we set up a gigantic teepee and had a little bash.  There was a big pig leg the size of my entire upper body roasting over an open fire and lots of music.  I stuck around for a few hours and then started to walk to Strážek to meet up with the guys.  

Umbrella Stamps: There is a weekend long festival thing happening in the center of Strážek that all of the youth goes to to listen to punk music and get wasted.  We should keep in mind that Strážek is a city that combines six small villages under one district and the entire district is only 1000 people.  So, while the festival for them had a massive turnout of 200 people I couldn't help but imagine them in my old living room at the schoolhouse.  The umbrella stamps they gave us as we entered did nothing for us when it began to pour, thunder, and lightning all night.  Last night was my turn to take care of Petr.  It was quite the scene walking home in a complete down pour occasionally illuminated by a sky full of lightning.  Petr was draped over my better half and we were both babbling in whatever languages we could manage.  Him being plain incapable and me struggling to keep his attention with my Czech.  I woke up in the middle of the night as Petr was sleepwalking himself out of bed, pulling down his underwear, and peeing on the floor in the middle of the room.  I shot out of bed faster than he could get more than 4 drizzles out and pushed him into the bathroom.  In that moment so many things came to mind.  Lily, and all of her drunken peeing stories from the ranch mostly.  Like how it was very common for her and Mark to wet the bed together or the time that Mark peed in the corner of some room or like the time that Mark peed in the front seat of her car.......I also remembered the time that Jess sleep peed when he was a kid on the road map carpet in Wellington.  I have always found the ability for one to lose control of their bladder while under the influence to be quite ridiculous.  Namely because I have never done it (minus the one time I peed my pants while on mushrooms, but that is a completely different thing because I knew that I was doing it), but for some reason watching the whole thing play out was surprisingly cute.  I mean who would have thought witnessing a drunk, sleepwalking, boy, peeing on his own bedroom floor could be anything more than pathetic?

Blue Glass Earings: My pair of blue glass earings seem to have an innumerable amount of lives.  As I started to jog to Strážek I could feel that one was missing because of the lack of weight.  I knew that it was only a matter of two hours from the time that I showered and put them on to the point that I started jogging so as opposed to my normal reaction of complete horror in the thought of not having them in my life I calmed myself down and said that I could find them somewhere in the grass tomorrow.  They have made there way back to me so many times and sure enough, Karel found it and gave it to me today.  

This morning I woke up to Mrs. Koza asking me what I wanted for breakfast again and it was so nice to be at their house.  In the morning we all walk casually around in our underwear, drink coffee, and laugh about the night before and the day to come.  I started milking a little late this morning and was in such a good mood that I gave a shot at plugging in the portable I-pod player and jamming out.  I mean hell, it is the weekend and I was milking on my own slightly hung over.  Karel now wants to start an experiment on the affects that music has on the milking because I got more milk out of those tits today than they have all year!  Looks like the ladies like a little rock and roll to spice up their lives.....

Today I am off on day two of the great festival. 

pštrosí

Today I spotted an ostrich egg and I have no reason to deny the fact that I felt a deep connection with it.  Mirek and I were changing out the water and tending to the kid rams and I could see it from 400 meters away.  Not that they are very hard to spot in the first place but it was as though it was meant to be found by me.  We drove over to it and I reached my hand through the gap in the fence and pulled it through.  The heaviness of it seemed to be the only thing weathering the life it displayed to me.  It was cold and the heaviness only added to the fact that it homed death.  I have not quite been able to translate/sort out (seeing as it is always said to me in Czech) but the basic things that I have been able to draw from the conversations are that our ostriches have not yet "nested".  They have chosen not to dwell in the little home that has been provided for them and so they remain wild in their designated plot of earth.  

Something about holding an egg as big as my head did a number on me.  It does every time but especially this one because I was the first to hold it.  I carefully held it with two hands at all times, knowing that even if it were to fall it would surely survive without a crack, and kept insisting to myself that it was in fact an egg.  Somehow I am going to figure out a way to make it mine.  I think I can keep it.  Well, eat it first and then preserve the shell and somehow send it home.  I have to.  Every moment it becomes more of a necessity and more of an obsession.  I need to be able to hold it whenever I want for the rest of my life.  I need to be able to put it up onto a shelf and look at it and remember the moment I saw it.  I am not sure if this will all follow through but I hope for my sake, and the eggs too, that it does.

Thad should be on his way to Colorado right now and it was nice to say our goodbyes this weekend in Brno.  We did nothing special seeing as there was lots of laundry and tapping to do at Clubwash but I think it was nice to have fresh company on both sides.  The girls have been gone and will be gone all week and I am beginning to wonder how it was they decided to have me come and teach English when they are never here.  I am getting the better end of the deal surely seeing as I am the one learning a language fully and living the life.  The slightest bit of sadness approaches with each passing day.  At some point I will have to leave.  The date has not been set but it will come.  Never in my life had I imagined I would pass my days as I have been but I am very grateful for them and hope to see the land I have come to know and love again.  One the other hand I can here the land past that which I can see call out to me and I am excited to once again pack my bag, stick out my thumb, and head straight into it.

Intermission

The egg is mine!  Now, all I have to do is figure out what I am going to do with.  I only recently found out that it is possible that the ostrich could live!  Apparently they are experimenting with incubation because due to the fact that the shell is so thick the bird has a better chance of survival even if the mama doesn't take to it.  So, we are going to give it a shot and if it isn't in there I am sending it home.  If it is... well, I am adopting it and I am never leaving this place.  

It is nearing nine o'clock now which means I am pulling some pretty hefty days.  I woke up to the light cracking through my window ready to milk.  The girl always has something to prove at least my type of girl anyways.  Especially in countries where girls are typically driven towards homemaking.  I wake up when the boys do, I shovel the same shit, and stay as late as they do.  There are of course ways around it for me and both they and I know it and all the more reason to prove that I am just as capable of going through the same shit that they have to.  Twelve plus hour days of hard physical labor is basically what that entails.  My body feels more alive then it ever has and I think that is because it can feel ever part of itself in every way.  Like, damn, where did that muscle come from and why is it sooo sore?

Hangover is a bitch.

Proč nemůžu spát tady?  Well, Emily, you can't sleep here because it is a field and it is cold and it is wet and you are drunk and wearing a nice dress that now has white field marking paint on it.  GET UP!  What a good guy that Petr taking care of his psycho drunk wild American love interest.  Although, I almost would have preferred to sleep in the field and die over night over waking up and feeling like death and having to milk a bitchy, pregnant, cow, and sheep.  Oh well, at least I was drunk enough to notbe able to hear Petr grind his teeth at night.  That is the worst.  In fact, I am taking my mom's advice and while I am in Brno I am picking him up a mouthguard.  Not that we sleep in the same bed very often, it is more for his sake and the sake of his teeth.  

Last night was a blast and I am almost positive my Czech improved as the night went on.  We all met at this little building which is the designated futbol locker room and listened to terrible music.  There were maybe twenty of us and there was keg and a handle of whatever liquor you preferred and enough for each person. Damn these Europeans.  They drink themselves and everyone else around them stupid.  It is nice to let go every once in a while.  I will now take this time to quote Meredith Grey in a not so quoted fashion.  The gist is.  She drinks tequila when she needs to strip herself of the days heartache, unease, stuff..... and she basically rocks my little make believe world right now so if she can drink herself under the table and kiss boys she has no intention of loving SO CAN I!  And no Derek, you have no right to call her a hopeless whore, you did this to her....blah blah blah.  

Thad is finally leaving and I am heading down for the weekend to bid him farewell.  I haven't seen him since he left for Poland but it should be nice to catch up.  I hope we do mindless activities like watch movies and eat.  I would do anything for baked goods right now.  I am tired of running also.  I hate it.  I hate running and I do it everyday.  My record is 11 miles.  Who runs 11 miles?  Only psycho people that have too much shit going on in there head and no where to unload it.  I run and listen to music and stare at an empty bottle of whisky that rests on a shelf in front of the treadmill.  I should also mention that the treadmill is in a little cellar where we make honey.  I should also mention that I am a bee keeper.  Well, was, not anymore because we got the honey.  It is a really incredible process and one day I will write about it but the point is  that I run in a dark little room that smells of wax and honey and stare at a whisky bottle.  It is routine.  It is mindless and meditative and I hate doing it but I love what it does to me.  It makes me so tired that all I can do is go to bed and not think so much.  

This is a truly pointless post.  It contains no real substance or continuity.  It also lacks in evidence of the author (me) having any ability to write meaningfully but to top it all off here are some windows that may or may not be opened:

1.  I found a really great company in Thailand that holds deep water soloing clinics and climbing expeditions.

2.  I have researched and contacted a few cooking schools in Prague and landed myself a job there if I want it and potentially a place to live.

3.  I am getting some vaccinations for Africa because they are sooo cheap here.

4.  Patrick flies into Budapest in September and I may go meet him because he asked me too and because I can!  How cool is that.  I have never been there so why not?

5.  I am so overwhelmed by the unlimited amount of possibilities and the ability to do whatever I want.

My life is a television series.

Bleh, and it is so involved I am not sure which episode to begin with.  I would normally start at the beginning but I have no idea when it all started.  I might as well begin with the episode that is slapping me in the face right now.  The one where there are too many players in the game and you cringe at all of the silly scenes that are near colliding with each other.  The one where the perfect song comes on while the girl is staining a fence and it just all occurs to her that she is trapped in a television series.  

Best way to learn a language?  Well, they all say you get a boyfriend that not only speaks the language you want to learn but doesn't speak your own.  

Scene One.  Traveling girl meets farm boy.  It is a perfect situation for both of them really.  She is nice and not from his village of 1,000 people so it is like is very own adventure.  He is cute and nothing like what she wants in a real man but exactly what she wants in her life.  Fun, young, and good looking.

Scene Two.  Girl sighs and thinks of boy that left her and wonders what he is doing and if she will ever see him again.  The sigh ends and she realizes that while he will wonder for the rest of his life if he played the game right she will wonder for the rest of her life why he had to do her a favor and she couldn't do herself one.  Another sigh.  She still thinks about him and that is just as lame.  

Scene Three.  Girl goes to city and meets a nice boy at a picnic.  He is writing his thesis, enjoys dancing with girl to good music, and has the same sort of humor.  They like each other and flirt in all of the right ways.  It could potentially go somewhere but he reminds her of the kind of guy she would be attracted too.  Maybe a half and half of two complete failure relationships in previous episodes.

Scene Four.  Girl thinks of hottest man on earth man and how he is coming soon.  He is older, does nothing but enjoy the outdoors and all it has to offer, and would probably take her along if he did not have a girlfriend.  Girl thinks that it will either potentially lead to the affair episode or the oh hey nice to see you hotty Mc Hot episode.  

Scene Five.  Girl tries to sort her shit out.  She decides to ignore all instincts to fuck with farm boy's head, he is young and she will destroy him if she gives into his sweet silly kisses and actually allows him to believe she loves him half as much as he loves her.  She keeps running like shit from home boy because yeah, it was love, but clearly she can love another...... this is a television series and it will be a bad one if she tries to turn it into some kind of unrealistic love story.  She will keep commonality boy as a dancing parter and a friend.  She needs friends.  And hotty Mc Hot?  Well, nothing is happening as of yet so I guess that leads to a future episode.  

Scene Six.  She goes to visit friend of friends who she accidentally let things go too far with.  Good thing they are both ignoring it ever happened and getting over it.  A hint of human growth and progress is evident within the series.

Such a lame television show.  I would never watch it.  Too confused, no real plot, and all to watch a chicken run around with its head caught off.  The only good thing that has come out of watching my own drama in episode form is that it is so overplayed in my head I could give a crap if anyone else knows about it at this point.  The only reason I should give a crap is because it could bite me in the ass later.  Like oh, maybe Stelth will not come to the conclusion that we were meant to be together and that he should come find me and confess his undying love for me because he read something on my blog.  Whelp.  The reality is, me not writing about it would be a game and I have no desire to play anymore.  I have the desire to move on with my life and realize that Stelth will never come out and deep deep deep down I do not want him to.  In fact, I do not think I ever did.  

There I said it.  It was all a game and now it isn't.  Somewhere deep deep deep down I was ignoring the fact that I never really wanted Stelth to come because then I would actually have to be with him again and keep playing the game and the idea of being with him was always so much better than that.  

So, that was my episode.  The next one will be about whether or not the girl goes straight to Africa or if she hangs around and relishes in her new found freedom in Prague.

Praha 7 deconstructed

I am back on the farm once again but I left and that is what matters.  Early Friday morning I tagged along with Karel as he had some business to attend to and got dropped off at the nearest green line metro.  I made my way down the familiar streets to Chrisine's apartment and rang her checkerboard buzzer.  Instant gratification.  

After spending some time letting the afternoon pass us bye and let each others pasts catch up we went and grabbed a bite to eat.  I then helped her pack up her home to get ready to fly out on Sunday.  After three years in the belly of the Czech Republic Christine was taking her leave.  It caused for special events this weekend.  One of them being a rained upon picnic.  We met with Sarah, a bad ass, hoola–hooping, red-lipped, broad smiled girl from California and her boyfriend Ryan who is an actor that ended up growing up in Fort Collins.  The four of set up as the sky tried to scare us away with its sprinkles and by the time it had started pouring we had already lit the bbq and were nestled under a tree and not getting wet.  So, we stuck it out and by the time Ken Nash (the guy that asked me to get naked for is figure drawing class) and his girlfriend Elena, Linda, a wild and bubbly Australian, Brian, my new dancing partner from Cheyenne Wyoming, and Mark all got there we were ready to throw some shark on the grill and devour the many variants of salads and dips that were spread out on our quilted array of blankets.  It was a magical affair of sorts.  

Later on we dropped off our baskets at the appropriate houses and moved on to a bar of pink elephants and high ceilings.  We all drank our beverage of choice and chased it with a coffee so that were better fit to go wild into morning.  We moved like butter moves on freshly made waffles.  We poured ourselves over and melted ourselves into the squares of the city making sure to leave traces of our existence wherever we went.  After a memorable stop at Sarah and Ryan's apartment we went to the Blind Eye to finish out the night.  Dancing, drinking, smooching, laughing, making moments into memories.  We left and began leaving each other.  Sarah and Ryan went home, Mark trailed off somewhere, and Linda, Christine, Brian, and I went for the grilled cheese burger something or other stands.  Minnie driver got some pickle but I got some crust with a hint of ketchup.  We put Brian on the green line and the three ladies walked towards the red line.  I wasn't tired until I realized that it was 5 o'clock in the morning and then it was all I could do to keep myself standing and make my way home.  Linda went her direction and Christine and I plopped ourselves down into two seats going in ours.  We missed our stop by two.  There is something about the steady hums and scrapes of the train that put us both to sleep but we made it back all the same and fell into a dead sleep.  We woke up and passed the afternoon tidying up and packing our bags.  We said our sweet goodbyes knowing that it wont be too long before our paths cross again and I was picked up by another colleague in a Mercedes.  

After my last visit to Praha I am pretty damn positive I will be moving there sometime in the future.  It is only a matter of time.

Last night Petr picked me up in his foam green beater of a car......he just passed is driving test.  so cute.  I promised his mother that I would drink wine with her on Sunday and well, it was Sunday.  I was not as enthusiastic about it as I was when I said I would do it.  Christine informed me that culturally this meant that the parents liked you and thought you should marry their son.  Now I realize why Petr rolled his eyes at her when she asked me.  Nothing too extreme, although she did ask me why I was going to Africa and not staying in Strážek.  I was happy to be home after a wild weekend.  I put fresh sheets on the bed and have started listening to the ridiculously extensive music collection that Ken prepared for me.  So nice to have new music.  

Oh yea!  Cheers to me.....I bought a new dress.  Sorry Stelth, if you do show up around the corner, I will not be ready for you.