Love: A commentation

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. -Tom Robbins

Most of this has been said before but I have recently been compelled to say it again in my own words. I stumbled upon the above quote while desperately seeking the answer to my unwavering connections with beets (and beats alike). I then, within moments maybe, was forced for the first time so far on my trek to sit down and evaluate my initial decision to leave in the first place. I also, and others do too, I am sure, would like to take the issue of irony up with whatever player may be in control of this game of life that we are all so dutifully involved in. Myself, and so many others, are tired of being subject to the cats and dogs that pile on us every day. I personally would prefer a gradual, manageable (as in time enough for me to get my slicker on), trickle of events that may or may not be in correlation of each other. It makes the issue of time more pressing than necessary. Must we deal with the issue as fast as it seems to come at us from so many different avenues and orifices of our lives?

That said, my commentation.

After have been in a year and some odd months, plus all of the letters and sweet nothings built on top of that, of a relationship, I find that I go in and out of convincing myself that I am incomplete. It isn't a foreign feeling. I think I must have felt it most of my life and that is what caused me to search to be with someone else. Right? I wanted to feel complete, so I sought out somebody else to complete me. I am sure this goes for most people less the elite few that are evolved enough to find stability within themselves without another person to contribute. I have decided that it hasn't really mattered what amount of time has been spent invested in a relationship, sooner or later, one or both of the participating persons find that they are still unfulfilled. I myself, blame the partner and more often than not move on to a more promising one. I am sure the same goes for anyone on the other side and mind you this initiates a race (who will move on first and who will be left to blame).

I may only be twenty but I have participated in this cycle enough times to recognize it, which leads me to believe that it could go on and on until I admit one thing (this is the good part and the answer to why I left in the first place): being with someone can add the richest of dimensions to my life but in the end I am responsible for my own fulfillment. This fulfillment can not be provided by anyone else and if I am to believe in anything else, I am as he said, delusional. It will also cause eventual failure in every relationship I may enter.

So, excuse me but fuck! I now have this information in front of me and I am being a stubborn asshole about it. I am having an (of many to come, I am sure) experience of my lifetime. I am going to Sweden tomorrow, from there I am moving through countries in which I have never been, know not a soul, and have very few inklings as far as what I am going to do. It also may seem silly to most, but I don't even have a map.....I haven't this entire trip. That's right. I am travelling the world and I don't really know what it looks like on paper but in all reality the world is circle and maps are square and that translation doesn't really resonate with me.

I think what I am getting at here is that I am happy. I am happy to be lost. I am happy to know very few answers. I am happy to be in and of the world at a time of such insecurity and I am happy to know that at the end of the day I wont settle for feeling half fulfilled. I don't remember much about the book Eat Pray Love but I do remember how Loneliness was personified. Loneliness has nestled itself in tight at night and whispered into my ear on buses. Loneliness will be my friend before everything else in a time of need and I have decided that I would prefer better company. Loneliness is not a friend, loneliness is a feeling that I am willing to embrace as a real sensation. Today, I am not lonely, today I am not internally howling towards some illuminated globe called love that hangs to far off in the distance for my liking. Nothing I waste time looking for will be perfect even if it is all in my mind and somehow works out . Today I spend my time earnestly towards creating and whether love comes out of that I do not know but I do know that on this journey, I have been fulfilled, and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Love will find me if it also believes in this creation and it will find me because it is tired of searching the records and moments for answers. They can't be found. Love will find me when it stops looking and starts creating.